Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
