I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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