When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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