This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
did i walk over a car last night?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I AM VODKA MAN
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
