so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You dont lie about slip and slides
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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