Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
