i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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