Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
