the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
