I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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