just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
