u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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