i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
3 2 1 whiskey
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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