She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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