i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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