Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together