I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
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you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
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I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you