Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
