if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
