omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
