and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
