I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
