1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
