I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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