If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
