I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
