i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
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