i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
