dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
