She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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