U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
