I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
