just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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