Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
