the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
