Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
