i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
