I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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