I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I will pee on everything he values.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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