Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
