Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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