rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
