Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
