i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
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How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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