It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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