I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
ugly people sure do ruin things
I am midnight drunk by noon
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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