Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
