I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
3pm strippers are depressing
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
