The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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