They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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