Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
