i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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