He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
