What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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