I smell stomach acid.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
