I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
