my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We are all done wearing pants today
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm having to shit out rocks
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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