How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Rumble strips road head = magical
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
